REVIEW: The Historian

Review by- BoomstiK

“You could review films easily” I was assured.
“But I’m not all filmy and wordy” I protested?
“Just be yourself and be honest about what you think” I was told.

How hard could it be? I thought.

I sat down with my little notebook after doing a bit of research on the film and its actors and clicked play.

The first thing I noticed was that the film is 2 hours long and called ‘The Historian’. My Favourite movie in the whole wide world ever is ‘Evil Dead 2’ followed closely by ‘Airplane’. I’ve been given this unique opportunity from a horror Website, so I’m thinking this must be some kind of ‘Talented Mr Ripley’ dark, comedy or some history based slasher flick?…..WRONG!

This is an “academia” film written directed and starring Miles Doleac (Who strangely reminds me of a cross between Johnathan Nolan and John Partridge?) The Story of a history teacher trying to escape his past and start a new life / career at a new University.

Now I’ve not been to University or college or whatever clever people do when they leave education at 16 in the UK.
I got terrible results in school and as a consequence I’m now 42, writing reviews in the middle of the night in my poorly paid job before I go home to a house full of fighting children and a stressed-out girlfriend (Cue sad violin music).

The point of my short life history is I can’t really relate to the whole university scenario. The pressures and politics it presents seem to a bit alien to me, especially with my 1 GCSE. I have to admit to pausing the film within ten minutes to Google the meaning of the word Inculcate! (It means to teach by persistent instruction but you probably knew that, didn’t you?)

The opening scene consists of the all directing/producing/acting star removing a bloodied bedsheet from the bed with a hammer on the bedside table…Hmmmm, one of those starts-at-the-end type films me thinks?

What follows is a drama about Mr.Rhodes (The new life starting handsome history teacher) and the man who’s job he someday wishes to take over - Dr. Hadley (Played rather well by William Sadler who you may know from shitloads of films, but to me he’s the Colonel from ‘Die Hard 2’ and the Sherriff from ‘Machete Kills’)

Dr. Hadley is a miserable bastard; he seems overly critical of his students and not liked much by his fellow teachers. He lives with his Father who suffers Alzheimer’s. Admittedly seeing his patience and interaction with his father makes you not think he’s a horrible bastard after all (Ok, a little bit). My Grandad lived with my family until the day he died. He also suffered Alzheimer’s, so I could understand why he never just threw him into a home. And the days of “Where am I?” and “Get off my submarine!” followed by days of clarity maybe made me relate to the nasty Dr. Hadley (boooo) a bit more?

In waltzes Dr. Rhodes (cue women swooning) who within a couple of days -SPOILER ALERT - has, well (Banged) a couple of ladies and kicked the history class up the arse as he was unimpressed by its low standards and slack students.

The film now starts to show many sub plots. The reason/s he’s leaving his old life behind seems to be relating to his ex-wife and her relationship with a surprisingly older and far less attractive new man. Then there’s a sort of ‘Dangerous Minds-esque’ kind of sub plot. Then there’s a wacky teacher who likes smoking pot and shooting guns in preparation for a zombie apocalypse?As you always get in these ‘New life seeking history teacher type dramas’?

About an hour into the film it dawned on me there may not actually be any zombies arriving soon and the History Dean may not be recreating Roman torture scenes in a hidden basement using the blood of his victims to make magical wine in the hope of curing his Father! (must put that in my Dictaphone when I can afford one).

It also came to me that I was halfway through the feature and actually wanted to see the other half? What the fuck!

The soundtrack reminded me of a country / hillbilly version of the ‘Badly Drawn Boy’ soundtrack to ‘About a Boy’, but it seemed to go on and on (in my expert soundtrack “Going On” opinion).

Now, I’m no Barry Norman / Johnathon Ross / that fella off BBC2 with the big hairdo, but the acting was decent. There were a few bits I never saw coming, but all in all it was a pretty decent drama (probably even better if you is Educated).

As 2 hour long dramas about history teachers in university go, it is definitely in my top 3.The ending however was a bit cheesy/sweet, although it seems other film reviewers are describing this as a ‘Murder She Wrote’ / ‘The Littlest Hobo’ type of ending?
I give it 6.8 out of 9 and 3/4.

The next film I review better have some gore in it or I quit! (cue the gushing comments on my brief, but to the point
Review)

Review by- BoomstiK