Cathedrals will fall, the river will run red... and THE BIRD will be SLAUGHTERED!


– By MovieCritic NextDoor

There’s a serial killer somewhere in Missouri known as the S/, because all serial killers need catchy names and this one has a fair amount of computer ability. He hunts women on dating sites, you see, and is a master of deception when it comes to things like hiding his IP. Police are at a loss, reduced to warning women to stay away from OkCupid, and presumably also

That suggestion works about as well as you’d expect, since everyone thinks they’re a good judge of character and they certainly wouldn’t be fooled by any old serial killer. Certainly Kristy (Morgan Carter) has no worries about Jack (Ben Kaplan) even though they’ve only just met face to face after chatting online. Trying to get past the artificiality of dates and really get to know each other, she’s suggested renting an isolated cabin for the weekend. Jack is nervous but willing, so they’re clearly unaware of the many horror movie tropes regarding isolated cabins.

At first it doesn’t seem too bad, though granted the cabin’s owners, a husband and wife, are rather odd. The wife (Jewel Shepard) insists her guests should call her Momma, for instance, and husband Jesse (R.A. Mihailoff, who once played Leatherface himself) is a bit too much of the down home country boy, ranting about the constant fight against Mother Nature while carrying a machete. And their daughter Caitlin (Rebecca Crowley) seems to be 25 going on eight. Kristy brushes all this off as eccentricity, however, and the first day wandering the woods with Jack is great.

The local sheriff (Delious), who they meet at the general store, seems a little annoyed with these city folks in his neck of the woods, though, and even his insistence that they should call him if they have trouble feels a bit off. That night someone spies on the vacationers and in the morning Momma seems too attentive even by her standards, bringing them food and drinks.

The next thing you know, everyone’s getting kidnapped and / or trying to kill each other in messy ways. It actually wasn’t too gory until the Ice Pick Incident, but after that things got noticeably bloodier. Things quickly got crazier, too, but in a very fun way where I occasionally found myself rooting for a murderer. Even these days, when movies are often filled with antiheroes, that still feels a little strange sometimes.

But it was a blast watching every character do their best to come out on top. Momma and Jesse are the perfect slasher movie “parents”, knocked off-balance when their latest game doesn’t go according to plan. (They call them games, but believe me they play rough.) City boy Jack in particular has to struggle to manage in the unfamiliar woods, giving a different little twist to the idea of a fish out of water, while Kristy has to find unexpected strength. It’s a good object lesson in the possible dangers of online dating and of Mommas bearing gifts.


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