Cathedrals will fall, the river will run red... and THE BIRD will be SLAUGHTERED!

REVIEW: Attacked on Set

– By Dave Dubrow

Let’s get this out of the way first thing: Attacked on Set is an absolutely horrible movie.

But it’s meant to be, which saves it by a whisker. Despite its nanobudget (I assume that’s the measurement below microbudget), there are parts of it you can’t unsee, and even while you’re fighting nausea, you might find yourself chortling at its audacity. I laughed hard, and may God have mercy on what remains of my soul.

The story is simple, lampooning not just low-budget moviemaking, but moviemaking in general: a crew gets together to shoot a horror film, and one by one everyone gets killed. That’s that. There’s also a ludicrous subplot featuring an environmental activist trying to save the endangered passenger parrot from horrible land developers. It doesn’t advance the story, but is absolutely necessary for the laughs.

The promotional materials advertise “steamy on-set encounters,” and that “When these girls lie down, things stand up.” I must assume that the things that “stand up” are supposed to be penises. Far be it for me, as a husband and father and a man of standing and respect in my community, to comment upon the quality of such encounters and girls; all I can say is that there are exposed bosoms, and you might like looking at them.

The killings, while gruesome, don’t hold a candle to some of the other, more disgusting events in the film. There’s one scene that took me several seconds to process, and once I did I found myself wishing I had requested to watch and review 2 Girls 1 Cup instead of Attacked on Set. When you see it you’ll know what I mean. Or maybe you won’t. Depends on what grosses you out.

Much of the film is shot in close-up, which helps at times and doesn’t help at other times. The wig that the director wears is so unbelievably horrible that it deserves a sequel all its own. One young woman is killed in a fashion reminiscent of The Hitcher; I only point this out so you’ll think I know what I’m talking about when it comes to horror movies.

Attacked on Set is blissfully free of the heavy earnestness too often prevalent in indie film, and goes so over the top that you have to admire the cast for sticking through the entire production. Unfortunately for me, all I get for sticking through watching it are some laughs and a few very unpleasant visual recollections. Was it worth it?

Ask my therapist.


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