Cathedrals will fall, the river will run red... and THE BIRD will be SLAUGHTERED!

REVIEW: Hectic Knife

– By MovieCritic NextDoor

In a nameless, crime-ridden big city, one vigilante struggles to keep the peace by killing nearly everyone he meets. I suppose fewer people equals less crime, even if not necessarily per capita, but it still doesn’t seem very efficient, especially since he’s killing everyone with knives. But since said vigilante’s name is Hectic Knife (Peter Litvin) — and it really is, that’s what he was christened — it might seem awkward if he used a gun. You may have already guessed, but Hectic Knife is the latest from Troma Entertainment, creators of the cult classic Toxic Avenger. So however weird and wild I make this movie sound, it’s actually much, much crazier.

Anyway, Hectic doesn’t feel fulfilled by his killing anymore and doesn’t know what to do. His friend Harry (Richard Kohn), one of the few characters with a normal name, suggests a vacation, but that’s difficult to manage when you’re broke and vigilantism doesn’t pay very well unless you’re Spaghettiman. So first Hectic gets a roommate, Link (John Munnelly), who pays very handsomely for nothing more than a spot on the couch. Then Hectic gets a girlfriend, Frannie Glooper (Georgia Kate Haege), or more precisely a woman he saved announces that she’s his girlfriend and he doesn’t object fast enough.

Things seem like they’re looking up for our hero — so to speak — until a new plot point appears in the form of the villainous Piggly Doctor (J.J. Brine), Professional Baddie. He reminded me a little of Dave Foley from Kids in the Hall while his name just made me think of Piggly Wiggly. But he and his evil minion Porch (Traci Ann Wolfe) plan to take over the world by making everyone a drug addict… which again doesn’t seem all that efficient, but maybe he’s just trying to savor things.

Then there are flashbacks to Hectic’s origin story and the guru (Richie Blackwood) who trained him, a chance meeting with his dad (Randy Hutch) leading to an awkward family reunion, several random betrayals, and The Bagel Scene, which I won’t even attempt to describe. The traditional copious amounts of fake blood and internal organs are also there, of course, and the almost complete lack of a coherent storyline goes without saying. Hectic never ages, which at first I thought was just another part of the weirdness, but now I think there’s another explanation: he’s basically an extremely low-budget version of Deadpool, and considering that he should have been dead three times over in the first 10 minutes, the fact that he doesn’t age becomes a minor quibble.

Have I mentioned that this is an absolutely crazy and bizarre movie? If you normally like to nitpick plot points, watching this will likely make your head explode, but if you can shut that off — and you don’t mind scenes that go on for uncomfortably long periods of time and lead nowhere, much like a modern Senate hearing — then this is the movie for you. It took the meta-humor too far for me, but I’m not sure any filmmakers in the world are having more fun plying their trade than these guys, and that always helps make a film more enjoyable. So if you’re looking for another cult classic, Troma-style, give Hectic Knife a try. Blond wig is optional.

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