Cathedrals will fall, the river will run red... and THE BIRD will be SLAUGHTERED!

Allan Lear’s Top Tens of 2016

Top Ten films reviewed for The Bird

10. Night of the Slasher

A film about how clever the film-makers’ choreographer is.  She’s very clever. 

9. DickRipper

Fun no-budget romp of inverted gender roles

8. Cannibal Messiah

Rich German students go entertainingly mental with the corn syrup.

7. Killer Friends

Short film starring an immaculately-played arsehole. 

6. Beta Test

Science fiction romp reminiscent of good campy 80s action films.  

5. Opus Dei

A short story with a sting in the tail. 

4. Flytrap

Beautifully-acted sci-fi/horror. 

3. Hush

Slick and professional home invasion drama that outperforms The Purge on every level. 

2. Neon

A slipstream short that will make you remember what your brain is for.

1. Shelter for the Bloodstained Soul

I want the dialogue track on MP3.  Not the OST.  The dialogue.  Such beauty.

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Top Ten films NOT reviewed for The Bird

10. Finding Dory

Traumatic memory loss is funny. 

9. Nerve

The internet.  No good will come of it. 

8. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

One-joke zombie film features Matt Smith being genuinely very good as Mr Collins. 

7. The Purge: Election Year

Three films in, the actual world-building has started.  About bloody time. 

6. Doctor Strange

I miss House.  Benedict Cumberbatch’s impression of House is quite good. 

5. Ouija: Origin of Evil

Ouija’s not very good.  The sequel is.  Trust me. 

4. The Conjuring 2

Boo!   

3. 10 Cloverfield Lane

Nothing to do with Cloverfield, everything to do with John Goodman being great. 

2. Deadpool

About time these bloody kids’ films took themselves less seriously. 

1. Arrival

And THAT, Chris Nolan, is how you do intelligent sci-fi. 

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Top Ten Rubbish Deaths of 2016

10. Muhammad Ali

Literally the wittiest, most articulate person ever to be punched in the head for a living. 

9. Andrew Sachs

 One of the best supporting characters of all time. 

8. Robert Vaughan

Awww Robert Vaughan.  Nearly beat Superman that time. 

7. John Glenn

Multiple astronaut and oldest dude in space.  Hardcore. 

6. Harper Lee

Author of the best damn kids’ book in America.  And nothing else. 

5. Leonard Cohen

Writer of songs that sound like horror movies, beautiful and terrible. 

4. Victoria Wood

For many years the answer to the question “Why aren’t women funny?” 

3. Gene Wilder

Genius, comedy actor and writer. 

2. David Bowie

Oh fuck. 

1. Alan Rickman

OH FUCK.

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Top Ten Celebrity Deaths Hoped For in 2017

10. James Murdoch

9-1 inclusive.   Rupert Murdoch 

 

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